First dates are fucking awkward, am I right? Everyone I’ve spoken to has had some unfortunate or uncomfortable first date. I am no exception and neither are any of my friends. After doing some brief text interviews with my friends I’ve been told some pretty unfortunate – yet pretty funny – first date stories.
Most of these stories are too gosh darn comical to keep to myself, so I’ve decided to completely violate my friends’ privacy (sort of… I’ve changed their names and kind of have their permission) to tell their stories on this blog for your enjoyment.
So, without further delay here are some of mine and my friends’ hilariously bad first date fails:
1. Dead dads and unemployment
So I met this guy on the internet (shocker) and decided to go get coffee with him in broad daylight because that’s what you do when you meet strangers off the internet in real life. We went to one of my favorite coffee shops (but not on I frequent all the time… thank god) and spent some time chatting this guy up.
I went on to complain about my crazy family who are all very vindictive and are active grudge holders. He then said something like “oh, that’s nothing on my family…” and went on to go on a 20 minute rant about how mental problems run in his family and how his dad is dying.
I – rendered nearly speechless and on the verge of tears – apologized that he had to go through that and uncomfortably tried to change the subject. I tried to move on to the subject of work (because I love my job) and he went on another lengthy rant about how he’s “in-between jobs”.
Well, he must still be in-between jobs because I didn’t go out with him again – despite several texts asking to take me to dinner… but with what money!? – but I’ve seen him since because he plays guitar outside of my office building for tips occasionally.
– Sara, 21
2. If you want the D, you got to be Ⓥ
I went out with this guy who I’d met in one of my sociology classes. He was super cute and hipster and healthy and I – looking for a break from the usual frat douche bags – was stoked to try something new.
I, however, made the mistake of ordering milk in my latte as this dude was vegan. He went off on me in front of the cashier about how cruel I am to animals. I instantly flashed back to our sociology class where he talked about him being vegan a lot… I didn’t realize I needed to convert before going out with him. He left immediately after chewing me out but the cashier felt so bad for me I got a free latte! So it wasn’t a total loss.
– Emmy, 22
3. You’re such a sell out!
So, I went out with this girl I’d been on a few dates with. She was much too cool for me – she worked at an art gallery and moonlighted as a guitarist in a local band – so I don’t know why I was expecting this to go well for me. We went to a bar and started discussing career plans and I mentioned that I had an opportunity to work in advertising for a huge pharmaceutical company. I was wrong to expect a positive reaction.
She essentially chewed me out for wanting to “sell out to a corporate monster” and how I should be using my talents for good and not evil. I felt like I was getting lectured for selfishly using my superpowers to rob banks or something…
Thankfully my friend called me and said he had tickets to an opening for a movie and I had to leave now to make it. I took this as sign to get out of there, paid my bill, and disappeared in an instant.
– Me aka Steve, 24